Let stickers be our salvation

I did not consent to an 11 a.m. electric boogie session, but as the crowd hurtled toward me, I couldn’t avoid it.

I walked up the hill, across the street, and toward the McCarthy Center. My hands were full of books, my head full of regret, and all 5 feet and 5 inches of me simmered with rage as the RamTram finally crested the peak of the commuter lots after over 15 minutes of waiting at the bus stop.

I thought my trials had ended, but alas – yet again, I’ve had to play my all-too-frequent game of “Frogger” from hell.

In times of rush-hour foot traffic, it’s nigh-impossible to avoid throngs of students barreling through the doorway with all the grace and gentleness of a bulldozer plowing into an orphanage. I’ve seen a horde of zombies first-hand, and they’re listening to Kendrick Lamar on their AirPods. I now know what it’s like to walk directly through a gaggle of headless chickens.

Our age is defined by great intellectual and socio-cultural dilemmas. I didn’t know entering a doorway was one of them.

Now, I cannot offer a simple solution for climate change, political corruption, or a hypothetical robot uprising. The existence of “The Bachelor” is beyond my control. But I have good news – there is a simple solution to the grand doorway dilemma, and it would cost the University next to nothing.

Stickers.

I’ve found the boundless possibilities of two doors in the same entryway is simply too much choice to expect of the students that zip in and out of each like a swarm of angry wasps. But by  simply putting exit and enter stickers on the doors, we can finally alleviate the confusion that has evidently plagued our campus.

Granted, you may point to the fact that we already have something of a sticker system in place. The exit doors have a big yellow sticker conveniently marking the side on which wheelchair users can operate the automatic door switch to leave the building.

The problem with this logic is assuming that the same students who allegedly needed a security camera installed near by the ram statue to prevent them from burying another hamster closeby have the ability to understand basic subtext.

I’m not joking about said hamster incident, by the way – please refer to Tessa Jillson’s delightful 2017 “Security camera installed near ram statue” Gatepost article if you have doubts.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t pretend to have found the cure for idiocy myself. In fact, I’ve actually gotten confused entering the sliding doors at Walmart more often than I’d like to admit – but you best believe I changed my direction after being told to by the ominous letters stickered on the glass.

Of course, I’m aware there will always be a few brave anarchists who will defy the oppression of basic directions and common sense. All the same, though, I have faith that many of these wayward souls are simply misguided, misdirected.

Let us explain the concept of a doorway for you. Let stickers be our salvation. Let us show you the light. It doesn’t have to be this way.

FSU, I’m begging you – put some stickers on the doors.

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