SEXetera: Thick thighs save lives

Good news babes: summer is upon us!

This means no more shoveling out your car from under a metric buttload of snow or losing appendages to frostbite. It’s officially time to break out the flip-flops and head to the beach with your friends to get some sun and, afterwards, make s’mores around a fire.

And all the fun that comes with this season means people will start dressing for warm weather, so pull out your shorts, dresses, and tank tops and start paying attention to all the new trends – I’m hoping heart-shaped sunglasses will make a comeback.

Anyways, people are going to start dressing to keep cool in the blistering summer sun, and I’d just like to give a gentle reminder that you have absolutely zero right to shame or sexualize people for what they choose to wear to beat the heat.

And I get it, you don’t want people to be walking around with their sexual organs out, so let me remind you what parts of the body are sexual.

Penises and vaginas.

That’s it.

You are not allowed to sexualize things like shoulders, thighs, necks, bellybuttons, or breasts. They are all perfectly PG and do not need the censorship that society places on them.

Yeah, yeah – I hear you going, “But boobs are sexy.”

They are. I agree. But I also think that a nice smile is sexy and I don’t ask girls to go around frowning all day. My point is if looking at a person wearing summer clothing bothers you, just don’t open your eyes.

And the thing is, you can find any of these things attractive, that is fine, but do not harass or otherwise make someone feel uncomfortable for having normal body parts.

Shorts are not an excuse for you to whistle at someone from the sidewalk, and someone wearing revealing clothes is absolutely not consent to touch them.

The other day, I was wearing shorts and a stranger came up to me and said, “Your thighs looks so soft,” then proceeded to place his hand on my thigh.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Our culture is obsessed with blaming sexual assault and harassment on what the victim was wearing, claiming it invites perverts and encourages assailants.

Let me tell you a secret – people get assaulted because the assailant has no control over their sexual urges and it is 100% the assailant’s fault – not the clothes.

Another thing I want to talk about is the shame surrounding summer fashion.

We tie a woman’s worth to her “purity,” so whenever we see a woman showing off her body, we immediately see her as cheap or trashy. This is absolutely not OK.

A woman’s clothes do not dictate her worth as a human being.

Another source of shame is the stigma surrounding who should be wearing what kind of clothes based on their body type or gender.

If you see a man wearing a dress, just mind your business. He is living his best life. Let him do his thing.

If a plus-size girl is wearing short shorts and a crop top, let her. Don’t comment on her body. It is her body. She is dressing comfortably. Also, she probably looks cute as heck.

The fashion world will try to tell people who can wear what, but we don’t follow rules here, and you don’t get to force your views on people, because it’s their body.

And if you just can’t bear to look at a fat girl in short shorts or a man who’s wearing a skirt, then move somewhere there are no people. Not for your sake, but for the rest of us.

We don’t need your negativity killing our summer vibes.

Now if you need me, I’ll be outside in my shorts getting my jiggly thighs some sun.

[Editor’s note: Due to the unfortunate stigma surrounding women discussing sex, the author of this column has requested to use the pseudonym “Kay Ann.”]

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