SEXetera: Lesbi-honest

Pornhub is a sea of lies when it comes to lesbian sex.

About 99 percent of the lesbian porn videos I’ve come across on the internet are clearly pandering to cisgender men who don’t understand how female anatomy functions.

Where is the lesbian porn made for lesbians? The porn that actually reflects the act of two women pleasuring each other? Where is the justice?

Let me just explain a few things about these videos that make them more unrealistic than Fox News.

First off, the videos almost ALWAYS feature two traditionally thin and feminine women, which is part of the straight male fantasy. This is not to say that thin, feminine women can’t be homosexual, but it would be nice if porn took into account the diversity of the lesbian community. Lesbian sex is not reserved for blonde women with long hair and huge breasts.

However, the biggest problem is with the actual sex acts performed.

Listen up – scissoring is not the “penetration” of lesbian sex. There isn’t even penetration involved.

Though it’s a solid idea, scissoring rarely works in all practicality. The angles are all weird, you can throw your back out, and, though the whole idea of rubbing your vagina on someone else’s vagina can seem great in theory, the actuality of owning a vagina makes you realize that’s a lot of work for very little actual stimulation. 

There are so many better ways to stimulate the clitoris, such as using your mouth or fingers.

Honestly, the oral sex is probably the most realistic part of mainstream lesbian porn, aside from the overzealous tongue penetration. Ya know – when someone sticks their tongue inside your vagina in attempts to mirror traditional penetrative sex.

And this isn’t a bad idea if you think that most women orgasm from penetration, but they don’t.

So, yeah. I take it back. It is a pretty bad idea.

Oral sex is the best when you have a vagina because the clitoris finally gets some attention, but instead we have two girls putting their tongues inside each other.

Why would this happen?

Because this lesbian porn is not marketed to people with vaginas, it’s marketed to men who want their penises to feel significant, even during lesbian sex. This focus on penetration equaling pleasure is a real problem for straight men, too, because it means they watch and think oral sex is actually performed with a focus on penetration.

Or that women orgasm from penetration.

Let me tell you, the most disappointing thing on planet earth is having a man go down on you and ignore the clitoris completely.

It’s like having someone come over to plow your driveway and they actually just shovel your roof. Like yeah, you did work, but it was pointless and now I never want to look at you again.

Speaking of penetration, fingers are great for that, and the manual stimulation in lesbian porn would be great, if it wasn’t for the ridiculous 3-inch long acrylic nails.

Like yes, I get it’s part of patriarchal beauty standards that women have to have long painted nails to be attractive and feminine, but just imagine how getting fingered would feel if the fingers were actually daggers.

It only takes a little bit of common sense to realize having sharp objects shoved up your vagina would be unpleasant.

What idiot is directing this, anyways?

Let me give a more realistic script.

“Do you like that?”

“Yes baby, keep stabbing my cervix with your stiletto acrylics.”

See the problem?

So, please, if you want to know about lesbian sex, do research from reliable sources and don’t just blindly follow the male fantasy of what they want lesbian sex to be.

Now go figure out how vaginas actually work and never ask a lesbian couple if you can “join in.”

They don’t need your penis.

[Editor’s note: Due to the unfortunate stigma surrounding women discussing sex, the author of this column has requested to use the pseudonym “Kay Ann.”]

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