SEXetera: Finding the perfect match

Looking for “the one” can be a complicated and stressful process, especially if it’s your first time. You may even start to panic when you look at the variety of phallic objects housed in your neighborhood “adult novelty” store.  

 The good news is there is one out there for everyone, so take a deep breath, and let’s talk through a couple options that will make your buying experience more comfortable.  

 The first thing you want to do is figure out what you want the toy to do. So, let’s talk about a few of the most popular types of toys.  

 Maybe you’re looking for a classic “no-frills” dildo or a fancier model with a vibrating tip. They even have toys called “Rabbits” that have a long shaft for insertion and another little wiggly appendage that vibrates on the clitoris.  

 Not into penetration? That’s cool. There’s a wide variety of external vibrators for stimulating the genitals, anus, and nipples.   

That’s right, vibrators can also cause a pleasurable sensation on the nipples. 

You’re welcome in advance.  

 There are also sex toys you can use with a partner, like penis rings. Penis rings are wildly misunderstood and underappreciated. They can make an erection harder, last longer, and male orgasms more intense. Many companies make plain rings, but they also make fancy ones that have vibrating nibs to stimulate your partner while you thrust.  

 Receiving an orgasm is wonderful, but reciprocation is key.  

 Next is shape, and I’m going to use butt plugs as an example of how size and shape can affect sensation, because I love butt stuff.  

 Also, this is my article and you can’t stop me.  

Butt plugs are like snowflakes, except snowflakes can’t make you orgasm.  Some butt plugs are longer, some are wider, and some of them even vibrate or inflate. People with prostates should try ones called a “prostate massager.” It is simply a butt plug that’s curved in a certain way so that pressure is put on the prostate, causing a pleasurable sensation.  

 One thing all anal toys have in common is the flared base.  

 If you put something in your butt that does not have a flared base then you risk it getting stuck, and that’s a bad time. So, just make sure your anal toys have flared bases. 

OK? OK.  

 Let’s move on to the material the toy is made out of. Toys can be made out of glass, metal, or silicone. Glass and metal toys have the advantage of being freezer safe, so you can pop those suckers in the fridge for a few minutes before your alone time and TAH-DAH! You have yourself a nice cool treat for those hot summer days.  

 However, the most popular toys on the market are the ones made of silicone. They feel very smooth and they respond well to lube. The issue is that many of the cheaper silicon toys pose major health issues.  

 We’ve all seen those toys at Spencer’s that feel like jelly, and those are bad news. The reason the toys are so cheap is because the material is cheap. This means that the silicon is mixed with more affordable compounds, resulting in a porous toy, according to Cosmopolitan.

These types of toys can hold on to bacteria and you can’t clean them thoroughly. That $12 vibrator from Spencer’s could mean spending another $15 on Monostat at CVS. 

To avoid yeast infections and UTIs, just don’t pinch pennies on your new toys. Make sure when you buy the toy it specifies “medical grade silicon” and don’t buy ones under $20, because chances are, it’s not a good product.  

 One more thing: This is just a pro-tip, but try to invest in a toy that is USB rechargeable. There’s no scenario quite as disappointing as having to stop mid-masturbation to go steal the batteries out of the remote.  

Also if you plug it in while writing an essay (or article), you’ll have a nice little reward for after.  

 Sending you all good vibes.

[Editor’s note: Due to the unfortunate stigma surrounding women discussing sex, the author of this column has requested to use the pseudonym “Kay Ann.”]

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