The day is here people – we’re going to talk about butt stuff.
I know it seems scary, but I promise it’s not. There are so many pleasurable nerve endings in and around your butt and the best part about butt sex is that everyone can do it, because everyone has a butt.
Wait! Before you guys start sticking things in your butt, we need to talk about some stuff.
The first thing you need to know is that the butt is not like a vagina or a mouth. It does not self-lubricate, so you have to supply your own lubrication. Take this statement as law.
Lube is important!
When you’re doing butt stuff, you need to put lube EVERYWHERE. I’m talking fingers, penises, toys, even directly on your butt. You want everything very slick, because friction will cause pain – especially if it’s your first time.
A wise woman once said, “There is no such thing as too much lube.”
I’m the aforementioned wise woman.
Just trust me on this one, OK?
Now let’s talk a little bit about anatomy. The butthole is a complex and pleasurable place for everybody. People with penises have an extra special little pleasure center hidden in there, though!
It’s called the prostate and it’s about two inches inside the anus. This can be stimulated easily with fingers, penises, or special toys called prostate massagers. How convenient!
A key characteristic to look for in anal toys is a flared base – make sure whatever you’re putting up there has one. Hundreds of people are sent to the emergency room every year for putting objects in their butts that don’t have flared bases.
Don’t be one of these people.
There’s another thing you should know about the anatomy of the butthole, and it’s that you actually have two sphincters! The sphincter is the ring of muscles on the outside, which is commonly called the anus. The other one is about half an inch deeper than that one. The outer one you have control over, but the inner one has a mind of its own.
Time for a group activity – everyone, clench your butt.
Feel that? That’s your outer sphincter.
The next tip is: always warm up. Don’t just go sticking big things up your butt. You have to start small, like a pinkie finger or a very small anal plug.
Starting small and slow will also help you be less nervous, because anal and nervousness don’t mix. Remember that inner sphincter I was talking about earlier? Well, when you get nervous, that inner sphincter tightens.
That can cause a whole lot of “Ouch!” upon insertion.
Make sure that you are comfortable with what’s going to happen, and also make sure to ask permission before you just go putting things in someone else’s butt. Though surprises are usually great, surprise anal is not.
Remember: Lube, Comfort, and Consent.
Also, avoid Chipotle the day of.
[Editor’s note: Due to the unfortunate stigma surrounding women discussing sex, the author of this column has requested to use the pseudonym “Kay Ann.”]