Opinion: So much snow and sno-where to put it

Snow. There’s way too much of it. And just when we’ve managed to plow it out of the way of traffic, nature swoops in and dumps another load of it on us – leaving us to figure out where to put the new snow.

I’ve heard that some companies have started taking the snow and putting it in the ocean, but I’m firmly against this. I mean, the snow most likely came from the ocean in the first place – sure, putting it back in the ocean helps us in the short run, but it’ll come back eventually and we’ll be back where we started.

We need some novel ideas, and I’m pleased to say that I’ve come up with several. These ideas stay true to the American tradition of having any potential benefits being rendered utterly meaningless by sheer inefficiency and absurdly high costs.

For starters, we should consider putting all the snow in the North Pole. We’ve already melted most of the polar ice caps thanks to global warming – it’s hard to make a decent Coca-Cola commercial when the polar bears are struggling to stay afloat. If we bring the snow to the ice caps, the polar bears will surely thank us (or eat us, depending on their mood).

We might also construct a gigantic ice pyramid, similar to what was done in ancient Egypt. The main difference, however, would be that instead of being a gigantic lasting tomb to thwart grave-robbers and stand the test of time, this pyramid would be in honor of all the workers who will probably get frost-bite trying to build it.

Perhaps you are thinking that these ideas are too inefficient and we may want to consider a more sensible, local option. Well, I distinctly recall that at around Christmas-time at Disney World, they drop fake snow that’s made from soap flakes, or possibly asbestos (I wouldn’t put it past them).

Can you imagine how magical it would be to have actual snow falling from the sky? Granted, the snow would probably melt and turn into rain before it hits the ground, but that’s nothing they’re not used to.

Of course, I realize that there’s no way these could actually happen. The sad truth is that the snow is just going to be there and there’s nothing we can do about it except wait for it to melt in the spring.

And by that point we’ll have to worry about flooding and wonder what to do with all the water. But at least the snow will be gone!